Comments : Inner lake

  • 18 years ago

    by Carlee Ann

    Wow, you are really good!

    I do have a few suggestions, though.

    I like the idea of this poem, and really, it's well written, it's just a TINY bit strained. You don't have to change it this way, I just thought these things in my head.

    I am swimming in this lake
    It is pulling me further down
    And I am on a point now
    That I'll nearly drown {it might be effective to use "will" instead of "i'll" here}

    Once I {maybe switch the words to I Once} stood on a mountain
    Like an angel, standing so {with} pride
    I was scared of nobody {no one}
    For nobody I'd hide {would I hide}

    But they pushed me of{f} the rock
    No matter how hard I did try
    They took off{take this word out, maybe?} my wings from me
    So I could never fly

    I can't see anybody
    I try, but cannot scream and shout
    but maybe someone{will see} sees me
    and on{in} time pulls me out

    I hope you don't take any of this offensively, it was just a few suggestions.

    Keep writing, you're wonderful!

    Car

  • 18 years ago

    by LittleBlackRose

    Thanks for your honest responds I really appreciate it ... I'm not very good in english grammar as you can see, (maybe because I'm not from England or the USA ;) ) so I like every help I can get.. thanks a lot!

  • 18 years ago

    by sarah

    I think the poem was great mostly as it is. I can relate to it too, no jks!

  • 18 years ago

    by manic moments

    They're hands won't reach me
    I'm too far from the edge
    They took my wings, they pushed me off my perch
    They pushed me off the mountain ledge

    I once was seen from the mountain top
    So high above earth and its beauty
    I now see the inside of the whirl pool centre
    And lose my innocence in its serenity

    I see the centre, it draws near
    It's pulling me down to it's centre, it's core
    I never knew the beginning of life
    But I will now know the ending ever more

    It didnt sound really finished. How bout that to finish it for you? You can use it. I hope you do. Its a really great poem, it sounds so sad and forlong.

    Thanks for commenting on "She's still Waiting".

    5/5

    Love Niquee
    xoxoxoxoxo

  • 18 years ago

    by LittleBlackRose

    And again thanx for the honest respond.. I really like it that people think about my poem so deep..
    and Niquee, I must say, I really like your ending, it touched me..
    but there's a reason I ended my poem how I did, not really with an end.. because I had the hope it wasn't the end (but maybe someone sees me and in time pulls me out)
    so thank you so much for thinking about it.. but I won't use it yet.. maybe when my feelings change, I will use it.. I hope you don't mind ..
    And keep on writing..