Access+Fear=. . .

I never tried to kill myself.
I only thought of the possibility of death.
My mind only skimmed on the subject.
They were only thoughts, nothing serious.
Sure, I had grief, just as anyone else.
I had my problems, my inner demons.
I wanted to be loved, only to be wanted.
I tried to survive, to make ends meet.
Now when I look into the eyes of myself.
I see failure.
I see trapped tears flooding the gates hope,
breaking down every inch of self-respect,
tearing apart my walls of determination,
determination I needed to. . .stay alive.
I think of my family;
the people who tried to help me,
but trying isn't succeeding
GOD was suppose to be there for me.
But what happens when he's not?
A broken trust is what occurs when he doesn't
answer a dying prair.
I stopped believing.
I stopped getting down on my knees and.
folding my hands
I stopped making an effort to have faith in
what I couldn't see.
Now I wish I didn't stop.
Now I'm lying face down in the middle of some ocean.
People are staring with horror.
My parents are crying, fighting the urge to hold me
one last time.
But the men in uniform prohibits it.
They have to save another victim.
They have to try
My hair is dripping and curled from the amount
of water it soaked up;
just the way I liked it.
They rip at my shirt,
my favorite shirt.
They pump at my chest and
some guy kisses me
I'm gone and yet I'm still hoping it wasn't french.
Two days ago, I was sitting at my computer
just browsing, looking for a cure to my pain.
That's when my life truly ended, that's when I first died.
You see what I'm really saying here?
Access equals fear, and fear of life is what made me do it.
I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry dad. . .I truly am.