My heart slowly seems to be falling apart
once again i failed.
i ruined everything that i had and am now on my own again.
with no one to go to.
quickly tears fill up in my eyes.
they start rushing down my cheeks like a waterfall to the ground.
nothing i can do to stop them..
just like nothing i can do to stop my aching heart from with in.
every memory comes back from the past.
the ones i want to forget..but are suddenly being reminded of.
i think of everytime i have been hurt...
feeling all the blame now on myself.
that maybe all alone when i thought that it was them....
them who was creating me such pain,
it was really my fault.. me messing it up again.
I'm so confused as my head is overwhelming with thoughts..
thoughts telling me to end it now...
and some telling me to go to the razor to ease the pain once again.
neither of them seem good enough right now.
i suddenly am stuck which feels like the first time.
usually it is clear that all i need to do is slide the blade again,
and everything is OK for the moment...
but lately, its not fixing it.
it used to be enough.... but now it wont ever be enough.. just like i wont ever be good enough for anyone... because i will always find a way to mess things up.
when i would say something, i would really mean the opposite...
i wanted to do it so bad..
but i was scared..
scared to grow too attached, because i knew that time would come and it would end.
and now i find myself falling faster than ever before.
I don't want to end everything now... not now..
yet, i don't want to live relying on the blade forever..
I've made too many mistakes and engraved too many memories that can never be forgotten
so i must live with them.
i will now go on with the blade till the end....
in hopes that someday i can give it up.. move on..
