My Child...My son...My Heart

This poem/reflection was written 1 year ago when my son came to me and told me he was CUTTING and needed help. He has chronicled his deepest feelings on this sight through his poems. I felt if he was brave enough ...I should be brave enough too. We're in this together.
TO THE PARENTS READING THIS:
I hope it helps you sort out your feelings and offers some insight and strength.
TO THE CUTTERS READING THIS:
Give your parents or an adult you trust the chance to understand and help you. I'm thankful My son did.He's the bravest person I know. I admire him more than words can express.~
TO THE POETS READING THIS:
This is my first attempt, feel free to comment and critique. I truely wrote this as an attempt to share true feelings in a creative venue and get insight into Poetry writing.
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My child, My most gentle,
My caring and sensitive son,
Is hurting.
Hurting inside.
Hurting his outsides.

What past and present things,
Are creating the blinders he wears
to keep him from seeing his worth?
Creating the gag that keeps him from speaking his feelings?
Created the Dark Castle, surrounded by the firey mote,
that he has retreated to?

He has abandoned the knowledge of all the good in himself.

He doesn't feel safe seeing his good, being himself.
Does he feel safe at all?

"Feeling", is not a safe thing for him.
So he CUTS.
to feel.
Feel alive, feel pain...
"Feel" SOMETHING besides,,,NUMB.

When he was 2, the divorce happened.
That's when he quit being the baby.
He now had a newborn brother, a 4 year old Sister...
and an Abandoned, single, Mom.
A Mom who was hurt, scared,exhausted and numb.

He's always been the quiet one.
Never demanding attention.
always willing to slip away and blend in, not stand out.
He loves to please, make others smile.
What makes him smile?
What does he need from others?
He's a giver.
Have we all just been takers?

Did I demand his silence,
to save myself at the time?
As a newly divorced woman,
did I begin, back then, demanding his silence?

I do know, that regardless of my situation,
There has never been a time, a moment....a millisecond,
that I didn't love and want him.

I recall going into his room,
watching him sleep,
crying silent tears, as I looked at his precious little face...thankful for him.
Praying for God to give me strength.
Praying for God to help me be the best Mom for my kids.

The tears would come when I'd realize,
that during his waking hours
It seemed my time and attention was sucked away ,
By the hectic, demanding and lonely life
of being a single Mom.

Late at night, I could be found a bit more relaxed.
the days hecticness quieted.
Needing to reconnect with my kids,
Just checking in on them as they slept.
Making sure they were OK.
Reasurring myself that I was........OK.

I have wondered though,
Did I revel in the fact that he was quiet and non-demanding of my time?
Time I didn't feel I had enough of.
Time..To do all the things a Mom and Dad are suppose to do together as a team.
Time..that I was trying to find,
to do..
accomplish..
handle things...
because I was now Parenting...alone?

My son,
PLEASE know...
I did my best.
I swear.
But if there's something I did..
or didn't do...
That would have resulted in you..
being happy..
feeling deserving of all the good you are..
Please know I'm sorry.
I love you
and will Always be here for you.

You have my attention..
You have my time..
You still have my Love..
You still ARE My Heart...

My child...
My sweetest,
Most gentle,
Most Precious..
and Most hurting, sensitive..Son.