Good start. Try to use more imagery and descriptions instead of "fill words" such as I, in, the, a etc... Also, your rhymes sound kind of forced. You could try free-style first.

Keep it up^-^

Yjis is such a good poem i dont care what anyone says it is os pretty and sweet u dont need to rhym for it be a poem

I liked it

Later
Looneybug

Hey, I didn't mean to offend you or your friend...I guess I'm just a stick in the mud when it comes to rhyming. So I apologize...just keep writing and ignore anyone who get in your way... and keep sticking up for yourself kid!
~Jules
p.s. and thanks for the comment, lol :)