You should never ask someone if you need to change your writing. These are YOUR thought, YOUR feelings. Do with them what you please. Personally, I thought it was really well done!! Don't change a thing!
Oh, and trust in God, with him all things are possible! ;)

I found your poem very inspirational. I am at the same place in my faith as you. Why don't we talk once in in while i mean like why don't we PM each other like once a week and find out how the other is doing. What things thta were good happenned and what things that weren't so great happenned. We could kind of keep each other accountable for growing closer to God and doing what he wants us to do.