Never have I looked behind to see my wake, how much hurt and pain have I left behind. How many more will die inside before I learn? Why has this greed overcome my sense of compassion? What did I do to become the plague in lives of people I love? When did this sense of wrong take over my thoughts? Are these truly my thoughts, or some other entity. Another being of higher stature toying with my mind paying games with me. Pushing my thoughts to the edge and then at the last second they pull me back to the planes of sanity. How can I fight something I cant understand? When do I win the battle, can I win or is this just part of their game? Do they know I will try to fight?Do they give me the hope to win an impossible war just to watch me fall at the end.Just to see what happens when I finally stagger and drop to my knees. Is that what they want me on my knees bowing before them like an inferior slave. If I just give in will they leave. Or will they tempt me with some other fate of pain and false hope. If I just end it all now will they finally leave me at peace or haunt me to the shades of hell. Is that what they want me to pass without trace, are they done with playing my mind. do they need me to die so they can move on to the next victim. What if I refuse to die set a revolt and deal with what they send at me. Will they deal with me accordingly or stay and watch as I continue to fail in their game of life. If I truly do fail with they just cast me aside and move to the next. If they continue to torture me will they leave my loved ones alone. Or is that how they do it, through me. Am I their gateway to the hearts of others? if i just stay away from those I love will they live happy lives. To beat this plague I have become do I just fade to darkness staying in shadows. leaving everyone I care about behind, away from my vile hands. If that could truly save the ones I hold dear then all the torture all the pain and suffering I endure is all for them. Suddenly my burden of self pity lightens as now I know that my struggle with my deepest demons makes me stronger and protects those I keep close to my ever growing heart. With their love I can win this impossible war of wars....Life.
