Wont you ever be proud of me?
Wear a smile on your face because of me,
Why cant I ever do anything right by you?
I don't think you realise how much I think all this through.
Nothing I do is ever good enough,
You criticize and you're spiteful, living with you is tough,
I've tried talking to you, and letting you in,
But you shout, block me out, Im fighting a battle I'll never win.
You dont appreciate my humour; you can't take a joke,
You don't see it but within my room, I hold back my tears encase I choke.
Ive bit my tongue in flying fists which lead you in the wrong direction,
Isnt it scary that I get scared, about my mothers own affection?
And its so sad that I cant remember the last time that you held me,
Before you knew it, I was living for myself, trying to be set free,
You dont know anything about my life, instead you just assume,
But your pictures distorted, and so I hide away up in my room.
My room. My life within it because I feel out of place,
In my own family home, I feel the need to be replaced,
This sort of damage is only internal you see,
This damage cant be mended with a needle and thread unfortunately.
As I wake up each morning and put on my face,
All sadness is hidden, forgotten, gone without a trace,
But if you look closely youd see the tears in my eyes,
An angry flame being tamed after all these years.
Why cant we be like my other friends, who get along with their mums?
They can moan to them when theyve have struggles with languages or sums,
But with you I cant even ask for basics, afraid I’ll return with yet more aching in my heart,
Ive told you I know youre not interested, but you switched the blame and said, I wouldnt let you in at the start.
But if you knew me well, you would have known I tried,
Ive forgotten how many nights Ive now sat and cried,
These tears I cry are pointless now,
But they roll down my cheeks and disappear as my eyelids close down.
Im getting older now, it doesnt seem you realise?
You ask too many questions so I tell you lies,
When Ive loved and when Ive lost I couldnt talk to you,
And you ignored my hurt like you don know what to do.
You barely even provide for me, I have to beg, steal or borrow,
I wish I could show you this so you could get down beneath my sorrow,
I cant quite say if Im getting used to this ache,
Cos my hands are trembling, because you think Im fake.
Im not asking to be perfect Im just asking for civil,
But considering the family thing we shouldnt have to swivel,
And avoid each others eyes, cos I know youre looking, but I dont know why.
Would you miss me if I was gone or would you not even notice, if tonight I died.
If I buy something, Im proud of and like or saved up to buy,
You still turn your nose up and find faults, yet Im clueless to why.
Do you hate me the way I really hate you?
Because I really do hate you, I hate you for the pain you probably dont know youve put me through.
Its really hard to rely on dad because hes so far away,
He says hell always be there; hes more of a mother youve ever been.
I dont want to have to keep secrets from you, because Id like you to help me through,
But I know that, that will never be the case, because well, youre just you.
So near but yet so far, strangers at heart,
Who would have thought wed be so apart,
My friends are the family I look to most, the answers to all my questions,
The fun, the laughter, my sadness, my frustration.
My prom has barely been and passed, but all youve done is complain,
I wanted you to be excited but still you remain so stern and plain.
You live life your like in an image of negatives, where I wish the positives would shine,
You dont; have to be happy all of the time, no-one ever is, but do whats best and let the two combine.
Its funny because I aim this at you, but you will never read this.
You will never know me.
You will never understand,
You will never know how much I hate you.
