The days of my past

I cant look back without tears
or the thought of throwing up
at those times where I was happy
Id turn to tears once more
knowing so much
knowing my mother wasnt anything
when I chew into my thumb
I can taste blood
but my thoughts distract me
I think about my real father
asking the same old question
who is he?
I just needed to know
why didnt he want me?
It eats away at my self esteem
so horrible,not even real
could this be a dream
If now or never
I dont see or meet him
or hear the cold hearted sound of his voice
then again its my choice
keep thinking or keep crying