Comments : Sorry.

  • 18 years ago

    by Dumpstead

    Milly,

    This poem seems more of a song, or a release, than a traditional poem. I think the logical flow of the poem is pretty outbalanced...

    The first stanza
    "I see the sparkle behind your gaze,
    The way you hold me in your sight,
    I know the intensity of your feelings...blaze.
    You love me."

    should be in past tense... I saw.. you held.. etc... . It being in present puts confusion as to whehter his sight still holds teh sparkle for you, then the sparkle has not really died by your huting him, has it? That puts a logical loophole in the thought process.

    The line "You love me" in the first stanza will better the flow if ti reads "I know You love me."

    Similarly, the last line of the second stanza "I loved you." would better the flow and would be more expressive if it read "Oh! How I did love you."

    I really do not know what else to say on this, this work seems to me more of an emotional flow and not a much structured and language oriented one. Hence it might be something htat you have experienced and you might have been carried away in the emotioanl storm. I see from that profile that you are a musical composer and hence maybe you have the emotional depth and creativity rquired to write about such a touching plot by your imagination only. I really have little knowledge to rate or analyse such poems, hence I have not voted.