Making me fall [lyrics]

Hello again Emily. It's Me again, giving you your final Huge comment that you earned through my contest. (Though you can expect that when I am done rewarding everyone their prizes, that I should come back and read some more of your writes.) I really enjoy lyrics, because the are less strict than that to the flow of a poem. It leaves so much room for extra rhythm, and random rhyme scheme- and even sometimes lack there of.
Unfortunately though, they are hard to change sometimes. Especially when you are not the original writer. Most things are written on a certain moment for that certain moment, about a certain feeling and for that certain feeling. That is why criticising someone's writing seems pointless.
However, I've found that in criticising others I have slowly learned the things I don't like about my own writing. It's quite a good turn of thought. But anyway, there are a few things about these lyrics that made me stop for a second and think about what I read. Not because I had trouble understanding it, as it was quite clear in that department; but because it seemed like you ran out of words to express yourself that you decided to force the rest out by lingering. It's around the end of the chorus that it started to do this for me:

It doesn't make any sense
It's like you put up a big fence
No, its more like the Chinese Wall
That you're pushing me off to make me fall

You don't have to change it, and you certainly don't have to take my word on it or take anything I say to heart, but if it were my own lyrical piece I would most likely try something more like this:

It doesn't make any sense
You just keep putting up your fence
Always hiding behind your sacred wall,
Then pushing me off to watch me fall.

Or something along those lines. Of course the last add lib I put in there was simply for my benefit, as your poem inspired me and has gotten me into that state of mind. So disregard that, as I know this is a lyric and that would change everything. But...I just had to show you that you inspired me, and that should definately make you so proud of this.
Feel free to ignore what I said, or take it into consideration. I simply wish you the best of luck for everything including your new-to-come writings. Keep up your amazing work :)

Wow, you're a good poet.
Your lyrics are awesome, hun.

I thought this poem/song was really really good! Though not as catchy as the others, it was still amazing.

5/5!!! Once again, hun. Keep up the great work!!

Hmmm...I dunno. Again, if it was me writing it, I would state that they were lyrics. It makes people confused to see 'Chorus' in the middle.

The flow was good in most places, just a little rocky in others that could be fixed with taking out words or something. The imagery was good, and I knew what story you were telling. I just didn't think it worked out right. Try adding emotions to it, instead of telling just a story. It'll improve your writing so much quicker.

I would also suggest putting in repeating things. Like something that background singers would sing if they were reading it. It would add a lot to these lyrics, since they're so 'deep'. Just some suggestions. =) 4/5 xoxo

Samantha

This is much stronger than the previous lyrical piece but as poems alone they both stand up well. If this is more of a song I think it needs a little work but otherwise a great write.

That was really good, I'd like to hear that to music. Wonderful write. Keep up the good work.

Peace, Joe