Sometimes

Smiling on the outside,
sobbing on the inside.
Does anyone understand my pain?
Does anyone feel my hurt?
Perfectly fine on the outside,
completely messed up
on the inside.
No one knows
and no one cares.
I have no true friends
to stand by me.

THis hurt is the result
of my buried past,
the painful knwledge
of abandonment.
Why does it come back
to haunt me so?
Why does it have
to hurt so much?

Those who are around me
notice nothing amiss.
The only one
who knows of
the storm raging inside
is none other than me.

No one knows my hurt.
No one cares about my pain.
There's no one here
to love me.
No one here to listen.
I'm left alone
to scream at the walls,
expressing my pain
in the only way I know how.

The scar upon my heart
will never fade away.
I know it will go on hurting
to the end of all time.
There's no going back,
no cure for this hurt.

The everlasting knowledge
that I was given away at birth.
Unwanted, unloved, uncared for.
My family didn't want me,
so they left me out on the street.
Helpless, hungry, alone, and afraid;
a baby with no family or home.
Later adopted,
on the way back to health.
All that remained
was the hurt
never to be overcome.

Can anyone live with this hurt?
Can anyone live with this shame?
Abandoned, unloved, afraid.
What am I supposed to become?
Who am I supposed to be?
I certainly don't know,
and neither does anyone else.

Now, sixteen years later,
the memories run wild.
Questions without answers
fly through my head.
The pain still resides
deep inside my heart,
though suprisingly
it has faded through time.
But now, oh now,
everything has changed.

The dim family
from my shadowy past
has suddenly snapped into focus.
They're alive and well
and they're near.
Letters appear in my mailbox,
shouting of supposed love for me.
Confused at first,
now the truth is crystal clear.
The ones who so cruelly
abandoned me so many years ago
have returned to my life,
and they want me back.

Fear, hurt, confusion
all these emotions combined
explode through my brain.
Anger rises victorious
after a few days go by.
How can these people
come back after so long?
They abandoned me
as only a baby,
and now they want me back.
Such arrogance,
such cruelty,
such utter thoughtlessness.
Pain almost forgotten
now spreads anew.
Old wounds healed
are ripped open now.

What should I do?
Where can I go?
Who will help me?
Oh I don't know.

All I can think of now,
is that sometimes,
being adopted at infancy
is not so good after all.