Truth is, most of the fighting has been my fault. From the moment she graduated Ive gone downhill, and Ive known it. But what am I supposed to do? Shes my best friend and I love her. I\\\'m supposed to protect her and keep her from getting hurt. Yet all I seem to be doing is causing the pain myself. But I know now that Ive got to stop. I\\\'m not only losing her, I\\\'m losing myself. What I have wanted to do for the longest time now is just hug her. Hold on to her and not let go. I want to keep her with me and tell her that I\\\'m sorry and I will be there from now on. Not let her leave again. But I know that isn\\\'t possible. Maybe I can at least talk to her. Tell her how I really feel, not what I let everyone see. How do I really feel? This took a lot of thought, but Ive figured it out finally. I feel like I did back then, like I\\\'m being torn apart from the inside out and I\\\'m standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming as loud as I can and everyone hears me but nobody cares. The people that do stop long enough to see whats going on give me a look of pity and keep going. And the burning in my stomach never stops. But everybody keeps living their ordinary lives and acting like everything is perfect. They have all just accepted this mediocre life they see. But I cant. I know something out there is better because I had it. And they all say to give up on her and find a new best friend. That its not worth it. But I don\\\'t want to listen. It just gets so hard not to give up hope. Even though I know deep inside that she is till there, I cant find her. And I need my best friend. I need that shoulder to cry on and to tell me that everything will be ok. Even if it wont be, and I know that for a fact, she can change my mind. I need to be held, and loved, and needed. To let the tears fall down my face and not be ashamed. Not worry what she is thinking. Because I know she loves me and that is all that matters. But thats nowhere to be found. So I continue to cry on the inside and wear this mask in public. Continue to pretend that my life is perfect. Knowing that on the inside its slowly killing me. So I must be suicidal because I do this all willingly because I refuse to give up on her, even though Ive given up on myself. Shes the one consistency in my life and I am not willing to lose that. So I will lose myself first if that is what it takes to keep her in my life. And no matter what she believes she is still number one here, at least with me. But thats all that matters right? With every breath I take my heart aches to tell her that she is loved and needed. But more important than that, she is wanted. A soul here actually longs to be with her and have that friendship that so many coveted long ago. And I covet my old self so many times for having that. As well as reprimand myself for taking advantage of it. But how can I tell her all of this when I cant even say the three words that used to come so easily to us. I love you. And not in the lesbian kind of way nor the hallmark card plastic smile way. An actual love that is straight from the heart and allows one to do things they normally wouldn\\\'t have the strength or courage to do. An unconditional love that cant be destroyed by anything. The kind of love that you share with your best friend and them alone. That can make the whole world better by the thought of being able to trust someone with your life and know they would never let you fall. This I have never doubted. Yet I haven\\\'t voiced it as I should have either. So many times a simple acknowledgment or thank you could have fixed so many things, but I was too scared. Well that isn\\\'t going to stop me any more. I wont allow myself to lose my best friend over something as retarded as that. Nothing in the world can keep me from her, especially not a fear that shouldn\\\'t exist. Of all things to fear, rejection from her cant be one of them. And as I look back on this and the tears begin to flow, I realize that my problem has been me all along. So let the tears fall, let the pain come. Maybe if will finally bring me to my senses. I seem to be purged in the fire of this desire to be loved. Is that what I need? Does the girl who needs no one long to me held? Long to be loved? As I sense the irony of it all I wonder what she is feeling, and thinking. Maybe she needs me right now as much as I need her. Or maybe she has moved on from her best friend, and she doesn\\\'t want or need me at all. But I\\\'m willing to take the chance to find out. I cant sit here waiting any longer. Because all that comes from it is more worry, and stress, and pain. So I will stop waiting. And reach out in prayer that she will catch me and keep me from falling as she has done so many times before. And that just maybe, I will get another chance to be the friend that I should be. To be half the friend that she is.
