Comments : Answers

  • 17 years ago

    by Brittany

    I like this one. You begin questioning moments you thought were perfect. It's really good.

  • 17 years ago

    by Void

    Alright, first and foremost, spelling mistakes or typos or things that simply weren't caught by your eye are not really too big a deal, because the reader will still pick up the meaning in the end. However, it does stop your reader, and cause them to lose flow of the words - and become detached from your words more so than you might think. So You may want to change the following:

    All I want are answers
    is *the too much to ask? {Change 'the' to 'that'}

    If i turned up dead {just capitolize your 'I'}

    And I don't know how to spell 'barely' but you have it spelled like this: (did you spell check?)

    I could 'bearly' blink

    Other than those silly things (which I'm sure you would have caught on your own) I did like the general idea of your write. It kept it's flow pretty well - better than I've seen from some others- but it also had some weak parts. It shows you have potential for So much out of poetry.
    There's another thing I feel like pointing out to you, and that is this bit here:

    You hide behind a smile
    and wear it as a mask

    I always thought that was a great line, and the best part of my poems when I first got into this - heck I still use that line for things. However, I've come to realize how many people use it. It's become quite a cliche now. That's not me saying it's no good, it's me saying I would love for you to find something all your own. Something more personal, that nobody else has used yet. I can see from your writing that you're capable of doing so.

    These stanzas were probably two of my favourite, however they were part of your weakened rhythm:

    I hope you truly see
    The mistake that you have made
    But maybe you\'ll be happier
    on this path you have laid

    Walking down this path alone
    No help from above
    Will you be stopping anytime soon
    to possibly conquer love?

    I think the top stanza's last line is just too abrupt - maybe you might consider it being

    'But maybe you'll be happier,
    On this 'new' path you have laid.'

    I would love your second stanza to have a more definite rhythm per line - however, I'm afraid of destroying your meaning and choice of words, and that is a greater loss. So I choose not to think of an alternative.

    I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. I do really like your writing, and I know there's alot of potential in you. I hope you keep it up :). Well done.