David's Smiles

David could make me happy or crazy with anger, quicker then anyone i'd ever know, And when he smiled everything else disappeared and i could not help but smile back. He had a million smiles, But there was one in particular that i could even hear in his voice across the phone from miles away. It was playful and knowing and cynical and sincere and secretive and assertive and a thousand other paradoxical thing all at once. That smile made me laugh when i was hurting, forgive him when i was angry and believe him even when i knew he was lying. That smile made me fall in love with him-and that was the last thing i ever wanted to do.
When he was mad or hurting or thinking or listening his face was stone. When he smiled, though, it felt like I was looking right into in soul, and when i made him smile, I felt beautiful inside and out.
David was the first guy i ever really loved. Sometimes when he held me tight and my head was resting on his broad shoulders i felt that he could hear my deepest darkest thoughts. He always knew how to say exactly what i need to hear. He would touch my face and look into my eyes and say he the things i need to hear with such warmth and i couldn't help believing every word.
From the first time we touch he dominated my thoughts. I would try to concentrate on school, my family or my friends, but it was no use. I would tell myself over and over again that he wasn't the kind of guy i needed in my life, but with each passing day i need him more and wanted him more. I felt so out of control, so scared and so excited. I would fall asleep at night thinking about his kisses and wake up in the morning with his soft, magical words ringing in my ears. Sometimes when I'm near him i trembled. Then when he puts him arm around me and i would safe again and loved.
My instincts were in constant conflict.
Trust him, Don't trust him,
Kiss him, Don't kiss him,
Call him, Don't call him,
Tell him how you feel, No!! that will scare him off
And then i finally would wonder if maybe that would be the very best thing that i could happen.
If he was scared or insecure, I only saw it once or twice. Like the rest of his emotions, I could never tell how much was act for my benefit and how much he really felt. He fascinated me. I would stare into his deep blue eyes and wonder if he had idea how much control he had over me. If he knew, He never let it show
Then one day it all came crashing down around me. He was gone and i was hurt, I wonder if he ever really loved me. I had so many question-and so much to tell him. It was like my alarm with off and my dream of him and I was over. He was gone, and all that was left of all we had shared were a few letter and some memories that i was too proud to dwell on. My heart cried out for him, But my mind warned me too move on. In the end thats what i did.
I learned more from David that from any other guy, With the single exception of my dad. When the time and the strength finally came, I was forced to take those lessons and move on without him. Time passes, life continues and i know the more i think less about him the stronger i will become. But, sometimes my mind drifts back to the sweet dreams of my first love, and i am haunted by my image of his smile.....I love his smile!!!!