Comments : Ephemeral Addictions (under revision)

  • 18 years ago

    by Void

    Hello there. In all honesty, I saw the title to this one and was immediately drawn to it. I'm not sure if it was the term 'bedlight for blue eyes' or the simply the sophistocated vocabulary that came from the word 'ephemeral'; however, either reason would be a good one for a reader to want to read a poem like this. So, kudos to you for the title itself.
    I wasn't as impressed with the content though. Nothing personal at all, I just think that your title proved much more for you as a poet than the actual writing itself. The style you wrote it in, where the beginning starts out somewhat more simple, or atleast shorter than the rest of it, is alright. For me personally, it made me skeptical to reading on and seeing what you had to offer; but I'm sure others might have the completely opposite effect. Anyway, to get on with it. In your second stanza, the first three lines are really good, the flow just works well as I read it- but your last line looks to be too long. It messes up the flow and makes it almost awkward. Not enough to ruin anything, just enough to notice it. Hoping that you take none of this to offense, I also want to point out that sometimes writers make an awkward change like that to emphasize on the feeling or emotion that goes through a persons mind - and making the reader read a line like that, sometimes (but it must be done carefully) works to show the reader that feeling without much explanation.
    So depending on what you meant to come out of this poem, on one hand it could have been expertly done and I'm not giving you enough credit. And on the other hand, I know you could do better.
    As for the ending of the poem, I loved it. The last stanza made it worth while for me. The rhyming was a bit forced, but the meaning behind the words was nice. A sad meaning over all, but the last stanza portrayed the character you were talking about best, and explained why she is like that. It was most definately my favourite part.