Remember when...

I'm so depressed lately. I keep thinking about the past. its like someone put the brakes on my life and slammed it into reverse. I go back to when I cried everyday while I sat in the bathroom. when Id grab a razor and sit there and slash my arms open. back to when my mom didn't know or care whether I was alive or dead. even farther back to when my grandma died and no one cared about how I felt. back to when she had cancer and I was with her everyday. but never quite far enough to get back to the happy times when everyone got along with everyone else,when we had family picnics together,when family actually spent time together,when no one was addicted to crack or alcohol. when depression wasn't even in my vocabulary. as I sit here now I feel numb inside. I have no joy and no sadness...I don't know what to feel anymore....

(its not really a poem but it got my feelings out...)