I was thrown of this piece due to the length difference in some of the lines..bad structure can put a potential reader of. Try editing your structure to make the piece look more presentable.

I LOVE the imagery you created in this piece, I thought it was very beautifully created, and it painted such vivid pictures in my mind.

Again, try eliminating some of ther fillers. There's really no need for them.

I love the ending you used on this piece, I found it to be very hard hitting and so intense that it hits the reader like a slap in the face, coupled with such powerful imagery that it was just beautifully written.