Confused

My heart is shattered and torn. Wanting to cut his name into my arm, so I will have a part of him forever and where I go. I don't think I can survive without his love to get me through each passing day. I regret each day that I'm not with him. Wondering what I did wrong and where did the relationship start to go down hill... I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was to me. When I think of the happy memories, I just want to sit in the darkest corner and cry. When a bad memory starts to come I jsut want to take the knife and cut. Why do I still love him after what he has done to me? One part of me wants to go to him and give him a black and blue heart but the other part of me wants to go in his arms and cry till I can't any more. Just the thought of letting him go is picturing me dead inside of a coffin. Was I ever good enough for him? The thought of him out of my life for good is losing a huge part of me. I rather die next time instead of having my heart shattered, once again. Everything I do for him, it seemed isn't right or not perfect enough for him. I'm done finding love, I'll just have love find me for once. Maybe cupid and love doesn't know my name at all. So where do I go from here? Do I remain lost like a little puppy or go out and find someone new? I wish someone had answers for me. No more crying, time to move on with life. You can say I'm over him, but deep inside I know I aint. Whenever I hear his name I just break down and cry. All I do now is fake a smile every day and go bout my day. Only wishing this wasn't happening to me. It always does, why does God test me like this? Will I always be alone in this hatred world? There are no answers for me, only what if's. How could I lost him the way I did? These brick walls came crashing down when I saw him with HER! Will someone pull out this knife in my heart? My heart is bleeding out the love I had for you. I can't bear anymore pain from him... The time is up and now I have to say good-bye to the main person I have ever loved truly. Only time will heal this very damaged heart of mine.