Suffocation by a stranger I know all to well, a sensation from within which leaves me completely powerless, I cant stand up to this mighty force. It keeps me imprisoned, an exit I fail to find, no one understands, knows the journey I take everyday, to stay with the living and the fortunate sane. To walk among the level headed and not be caught out. I smile and respect other people, yet it is the people that terrify me so, I am not quite sure where this fear began, my fear of my own kind. I find myself lower than them, I am just dirt, they can walk over me, never will they completely squash me into the ground, just leave me cripple so I may suffer in my pain. Battles rage within me, yet I feel no connection to the anger, a bubbling emotion I think called hate, I know it should be there, to surface and help me. But it seems distant from me, I am afraid of my own hatred. From it drives me to do terrible things. I used to be afraid of my hate because I wanted to live, because I once believed I had a chance at life, one day the duckling shall spread its wings and soar. But now I dont feel these things about myself, the hatred turned to loathing and my loathing has turned against me more now than ever. Wrapped up in my guilt I try to hide the filth behind my filth, the fat I encase my body in, to hide. Yet once I taste my forgotten lust for hunger my body will be stripped of the fat, the guilt and the shame. To become fragile, to become something, beyond any desire, I become the undesirable for I no longer resemble the person everyone wants me to be. I was slightly desirable years ago, when my body did not fight as much yet now too heavy to hold or to skinny to grip, this is how I am, this is how I live, things as it should be. I cant cope with people ordering me or demanding things of me, I must do things in my head in my order, or I lose track of the bigger picture, every little detail must be in order for me to function the way I want to function. One thing at a time, or everything at once, no bite today or food non stop. I cant have both, yet I crave the sweet textures and the alluring smells of food, so seductive, entranced I can no longer restrain my irrepressible appetite, consume everything so my emptiness is full till it hurts to breathe, to then feel the guilt and disgust of what I am, of what I do to just get through a day.
*Edit out *
On the other hand, starving, depriving, is also a way I fulfil an emptiness, replace a pain with an echo. A deep echo from the depths. Sometimes crippling, I am unable to function for a day, if I push myself to far, make myself sick by trying to hard, try to not remember, try to forget, yet they are both the same things. You try not to remember the things you want to forget, though in order to forget them you must revisit them to know what you are trying to not remember, so in theory, my demons are here to stay. People, they try to make me out as a fool, I am a fool, in theory, my way of things to them is abnormal, but in my eyes it is truth, it is a way for me to live, to cope, to cope with living. Trying to interfere with my way of living, it only pushes me away, makes me more secretive. They dont see what I do when they go out, for right now, I am hiding myself, the bad person inside, cover her up with all the layers of fat, soon enough their burning gazes will bounce off of me, I wont feel it. I consume till I cant breath without a struggle, I eat it I cant withstand the pressure in my gut, I cant release any of my sins.
*Edit Out*
now I am doing this my way, lets play along with her little games, but soon I will be thin again, my layers of dirt will fall and I will again be defying her and I will again be able to walk among the swans.
* you may notice i have put up diary entries and old poems, its something i am having to do, clarify some things within- sorry *
