My Demons (my suicide letter)

Go ahead and try to find me,
the blackened forests of my heart and soul contain creatures to magnitudes of hideousness never before seen by mortal or immortal eyes.
you are trying to release them.
am i the only one that knows what will happen then?
they will rip out your throats, watch you bleed, slowly die.
i will never cry over your bloodless, drained and lifeless corpses.
when they come back to me a sea of blood will flow from every pore.
black as night,
yet somehow as red as the most beautiful rose.
dark with pain nonexistent.
why did these creatures, tools of evil,
choose to overtake my soul?
i have endured no pain or trauma inflicted by the world,
but my inner sanctum is infested with sorrow snails and painful pangs.
only destroyed by myself.
why? how?
will this be what brings me to my end?
grief and woe beyond vision of even the gods!
darkens my heart, soul, mind and blood.
no one will ever know me.
my soul's doors barred shut with locks and chains.
not openable by the most tender or even the most strong of souls or hearts.
my body isn't mine at times.
they take over, murder,
and me bathed in their victim's blood.
smiling while screaming inside to stop.
my heart never opens.
closed by my demons with rusted nails driven by slow moving hammers.
i didn't ask for this,
why am i being punished?
SAVE ME PLEASE!
for now i control them,
but for how much longer?
i may be dead tomorrow,
never knowing, my mind drifts that way often.
but so far my will power is holding.
not for much longer, I'm wearing thin.
soon it will Be only mt demons that you will see.
so this is my goodbye,
for i will never have the chance to say it when the time comes.
Goodbye Sandy, Sam, Darci, Mitch, Magen, especially my family.
Daddy i wish communication had been better between us
i wish you could understand,
that you are really all that is keeping me alive.
you and mom.
i know you would miss me,
only i will ever know,
understand or be able to deal with my demons.
So ends my last letter.
I love you all..........

**December 2005**