Here Goes Another Try...

Here goes another try

To make reality click,

I hate life but I love you all,

You guys are the ones that make me tick.

I've tried countless times,

To take away my pain,

But at the time the knife hits skin,

One of you will txt me,

And save me from my sin.

I don't know why I do what I do,

Or why I feel what I feel.

Mom and I will argue,

And turns into this huge ordeal.

My friends say they love me,

And that they don't want me to go.

But when I tell them I need them,

They always have somewhere to go.

I've seen some shrinks for my "clinical depression",

Some will talk of Disneyland and Hamlet,

And the others, well,

They just don't get it.

They put me on these drugs,

They ask if I feel changed,

I say a feel no different.

I never know if they're to make me happy,

Or forget about my past.

They never work either way,

So why pay the cash?

Mom says she sees a difference,

From the end of '04 to now.

Who wouldn't, I say,

I'll be 17 in 10 days.

I got in trouble my freshman year,

For bringing vodka in a bottle.

The first time I had drank like that,

And what do you know,

I'm an alcoholic.

People at school would whisper things while walking by,

I said I didn't need this,

Then,

My first thought of suicide.

It hit me like a bullet,

Coming from out of no where.

It sounded so great,

So easy, like a dare.

I had always been against it,

Thinking there must be another way.

But now I understand,

That all they could do was pray.

I didn't know what to do,

If I should tell someone or,

Keep it to myself.

Tell my so called "loved ones",

Or kick it to the curb?

One day I finally hit rock bottom,

There was nothing left for me.

My parents were always mad,

My friends would always use me.

I always feel so selfish,

Complaining about stupid sht like this.

People have real problems,

And hey I'm just a btch.

I tell my friends that I'm always there,

That I'll never leave their side.

They always seem to runaway,

Runaway and hide.

I've gotten to the point in the past,

Where the knife hit the skin.

I wasn't sure of what I was doing.

I knew I had no where to go.

No one for me to hold,

Or have them hold me.

Let me cry on there shoulder,

Or let me spill out my heart,

Let me spill me.

I'm trying my best,

To not do anything,

As I sit here and write this.

This isn't a letter,

This isn't a note.

This isn't a hello or a goodbye.

This is me spilling me.

I'm saying things here,

That only a few know.

I swore to never say another word,

Not to one more soul.

But here I am writing this to you,

That's gotta mean something right?

I hope you understand,

I really hope you do.

Someone that I love,

More than words could express,

Got mad at me and ignored me,

Because I had a melt down.

I thought he would understand,

I thought he would help me.

All he did was give me the cold shoulder,

And avoid me.

I didn't know what to do,

Or even what to think.

The one I thought would never leave me,

Turned away without a blink.

My life is like an avalanche,

Going completely out of control.

All are powerless to stop it,

They can only watch it fall.

My sadness goes farther than you think,

It goes deeper into my past.

Farther than I even know....

But that's a whole other story,

A whole new day.

But I gotta make it to that day first.

-By-

Amanda