It's good it has a strong meaning it just have flow to me but don't get me wrong it's very good i'd give it 4.99 if i can but i can't

I think there is a lot of emotion in this, and that is what is most important, but it doesnt quite flow. you might think of rewording parts of it so that it moves from thought to thought and isn't quite so choppy. it's got great potential tho! keep writing!