What happened to make it like this

Ur my first love. and no matter what u hold a place in my heart
i trusted that u wouldnt hurt me and u even said that u wouldnt...
but... when i expected to have a great time with u...

u took my heart and shattered it
and justified it as breaking down my walls so that i would let u in.
the next day i said i forgive u
just bcuz ur forgiven dont think i\'m not hurting still.

dont turn it against me telling me i enjoyed u doing that to me because of my physiological reaction bcuz physical is not controlled by the mind...

my heart was completely shattered bcuz of what u did...yet i couldnt hate u or hold a grudge bcuz my love was just too strong...and i didnt want to regret holding that grudge cuz ur leaving in a couple of days and i may not see u again and that would hurt worse bcuz i wouldnt forgive myself for holding a grudge.

but ur plan although breaking those walls of mine may have done more harm than u know...
bcuz now i\'m afraid to trust u again all bcuz u were so convincing in telling me that u never cared and that i was nothing to u...that pain still resides but even though i still hurt.... i still love u all too much
but i have a new fear and that is u hurting me like that again bcuz i dont know whether u\'d do this again

i still cry at night but i have not told u so i\'m still hiding things
but as the day when u leave draws near i think....how is the future gonna turn out...
will u return to us?
will u not?
can i forget this pain?
i dont want to hurt anymore
i want to trust u and be with u the way things were before that night

i miss u while ur near by...
so what will it be like when ur gone?
when i feel alone my mind replays a time that u hugged me and i feel my heart skip a beat from that moment

can i trust ur word that u wont do that too me again?... i want to believe it so much but i\'m just not sure whether to believe u now and it hurts me to think this

bcuz of u i\'m hurting inside and hiding it from u...whether u still know that i am... seein as u almost always know whats going on inside me...but u missed the love that overpowers any anger or hate i should feel towards u.

so while i want to cry over u so much all i want is to be by ur side
but thats the conflict i have

the conflict of do i forget it and move on and trust u completely again...or do i let the pain control me and keep crying the night away bcuz i\'m hurting over u yet loving u too.

what a conflict and what a choice.
we will see what the future brings and i hope and pray that things will stay as they were