She is here again. Swelling, prompting got rid of. Jesus, more red. Can't not think about it. Contemplating the consequences. What does it matter. Would anyone notice, if by good luck, she were to die. But to be found head stuck in a bowl, unsightly. No. Wipe and clean up. Downstairs. It's that time when she can't be trusted with custard creams, take the whole packet and crush in her hands, wrappers in all. Into the bin. That's one problem sorted. What about teeth, jesus them. Not think about it. Lets sit. What can we do instead. What to do while lasting. Unsettled stomach. Tea Revives you. Green Tea. Antioxidants. Water weighed, something satisfactory about feeling full of water. Stable for now. It's forgotten about. Staring from the far chair into the corner. Wishing it was possible to curl up into that corner, safe there. Curl up there, wouldn't fit anyway. Just wait. Green 10:10pm. Have to move. Can't stay still at this time, have to get away from the stillness, silence, the vunerablity of it all. What to do while lasting. Read. Magazines guilt trip, smiling faces of people thinner than everyone, f**k. Music, not a good idea, remembering things with the soundtrack. No music tonight. Write. Write about what. No write. Sleep. Huh, sleep only just after exhausting the self completely, can still go on for ages. i am strong. What it is costing to be not still.
