The Bad And The Good (really long)

This poem has a lot of everything hope you enjoy its really long though

I sit here
With feelings
That all feel the same
I have no idea
What I'm doing now
I can only remember
What I've done
None of it I'm proud of
Sometimes after i cry
From missing you
I begin to think
I realize how much
You've helped me grow
And now I wonder
If all the cutting
I used to do
Was really for release
Or if it was just
So I finally
Had a problem that was excusable
So for once a bit
Of my life made
A lick of sense
And then i think
About all the drugs
Did I really do
Them in hope
Of relaxing
Or was it
So I could
Try to forget my
Past n all the memories
Did I only used to drink
To have fun
Or was it so I could
Drown my sorrow
And live in
Happiness of the moment
They say what comes around goes around
And at times I think
Thats why I have
You and my friends
Its cause I've talked people
Out of taking their own life
But what about
All the bad things I did
Am I being re-payed
By only feeling
This guilt and
Living with pain
I caused myself
Or will something
Happen later that
Will devastate me
And break my heart
I know sometimes
The good die young
So I must be bad to be alive
I say all my dreams
Are sweet ones of you
But I've woken in the middle of the night
Crying my eyes out
Those dreams haunt me
In one I had to bury my own child
Something no parent
Should ever have to do
In another one
I dreamt of killing myself
Thats a paradox since
My parents would have to bury me
Taking my own life at times makes sense though
Because of the pain
I have caused others
I've been told love has no boundaries
And cause of love
You n I have have forgave each other
For silly things
And allowed us to build
Our relationship
Yet if love has no boundaries
It must bring its own demons
along with it
Because every-time
We quarrel I think
Of losing you
And every time we fight
The fear grows stronger
I have a strange perspective on life
Cause I can see
So many different things
In ways no one else does
Like how a tree is beautiful
And how much life n love
Can be worth
But I also see the ugliness
In the world we live in
Its like shards of glass
In my mind
All the cold murders
And the violent
R.aping of our women
It all sickens me
To realize the
World we live in
Its beautiful
And the people in it
Who are bad n evil
Can make it so unbearable
For so many other people
No wonder suicide
Seems so reasonable
And when you see
It the way I do
You begin to feel things
On a deeper level
Your able to feel others
Pain and sadness
Along with their happiness
Many say a perspective
Like this is a blessing
But I think it may also be a curse
The scars and old marks
That lay upon my wrist
Show the beauty
And ugliness in life
Just when everything
Begins to make sense
It falls apart
And reality slips in
And out of your sight
Though I seem upset
In writing this
And living life the way I have
I wouldn't change a thing
I have ever done
And even though
My dad is an arsehole
I thank him for
Showing me if nothing else
How I shouldn't be and
A long time ago me
And my mom used to talk
About everything
And then I stopped
And began to bottle things up inside
My moms shown me how
To love unconditionally
And all my friends
Have shown me
How to keep from
Bottling thing up
And that at-least writing
Them in a poem can help
And I thank my girlfriend
Who has giving me so much hope
I know this poem may
Make no sense at all
But it was what was on my mind
At the time and at first
I thought I had writers block
But I realized
I just needed
To get all of the stuff
Out before I imploded
Thank you all-who have helped me
Grow up and show me
Love and kindness
Even though I may have not deserved it
And I just hope
This poem makes
At-least one person think
Or that this poem touches them
And maybe for once
I could pass on
The love and caring I was shown
And pass along the perspective to others
And show that we need to
At-least show kindness
To as many people as possible
Cause I know
Hatred wont stop
But displaying the hate
Physically with violence or mean words
That makes this an ugly world
And a hard and sad life
For at-least one person
We did it to
If this helps out
At least one person
Hopefully its enough
To start changing
The world for better instead of worse
And we'll have to just
Sit back and begin to watch!