All the naive joy I knew
Before you
Haunts me to recall.
But I am learning now
How to live without you.
I'm dating now.
Not anyone in particular,
And not anyone even remotely special.
But being out with someone else is fun sometimes.
I am learning how to know
another man.
His interests, experiences, hobbies.
For small moments now and then I even think someday I might get over you.
But somewhere between dessert and the door his face always morphs into yours
And in the awkward, doorway moment
Of kiss or no kiss,
I always dodge his eyes, instead eyeing my feet
or a lamp post
or my fingers.
I haven't learned yet to
return his calls.
Maybe knowing that I have no heart left to give
Or maybe just too afraid to lend out the tiny piece of Soul you left me with.
But even on the sofa watching Simpsons with my cat,
I'm learning.
So, you're still with your girlfriend.
The one who beat me
The one you love
The one who I blame, with fiery hatred, for ruining my life
Because it's so much easier than Facing up to the pain.
I've even learned to plaster a smile into my voice on the phone
When I tell you "I am truly happy for you".
I just hope we never meet in person,
Because if I try to say that to your face,
I will fall to your feet.
Which is OK, because I've really been here whimpering, bleeding, dying at your feet
This whole time.
I just learned not to show you.
And it's scary, actually,
Because I have spent all this time learning how to make you feel better,
Less guilty,
By making you think that I have moved on.
But, it ends up, I have spent
absolutely no time learning
How to move on
Crying into my pillow with the radio on so no one can hear is still crying.
Cutting my skin under my clothes so no one will see it is still bleeding.
