Here i lay, in the light, it grows brighter and brighter, and just as i begin to feel its warmth, something casts a shadow. i begin to wake and the darkness falls, it falls from all around me and once again i am surrounded by it. once again here i lie, by myself, alone to deal with my feelings and my thoughts; for i can never tell anyone how i truly feel it makes me too vulnerable.
i wake, realizing that although i really did have her, she really was here, she came and left so fast it may as well have been a dream; i would have been better off had it been a dream because then i wouldn't be able to taste her on my lips, and still feel her in my arms. i am not ready to give up on my feelings, i am not ready to have to be with out her. i am not ready to give up on us because she is worried about hurting our best friend, but it is not my decision to make. i am not ready to give up on something that makes me so happy, and could be so amazing. y is she? i am ready to sell out for her, but to her i am not worth it.
here i lay as i prepare to take on my day, to act as though nothing is wrong and i am perfectly happy; but be careful, for when my buttons are pushed the beast with in will be released, my anger toward the world will once again be awake and i will be that assh*le again, that assh*le i turn in to so i can hide my fear, my vulnerably, and my pain. despite my best efforts i can not control it, i need help, and although she was here long enough to put that anger to sleep i fear that her leaving will only make it stronger, and harder to control.
everytime i get close to happiness, everytime i put the anger to sleep, something happens to take my happiness away, something happens to wake the beast. i am really beginning to believe that i am not supposed to be happy, that i am destined to wonder the planet cold, alone, and surrounded by the darkness.
