If only

My breath on the window pane,
appears then goes again,
like happiness that deflates,
nothing that sedates,
the ache inside, how can I describe it?
no words can seem fit.

That is the problem.
When people say whats wrong, em
Half-heartedly not caring,
not interested in sharing,
f u c k y o u i am not goin to be your gossip,
just so you can seem it,
all friendly false and popular,
not caring who you hurt, who they are.

As long as you get your word out,
no matter that I want to scream and shout,
pull out your hair and slap your face,
sounds stupid like i am a disgrace,
like Emma,Know your place!
you are head girl you need to get good grades
Oh so I do not get my say?
No more crap, try harder.
Your not thick be smarter!

My mind goes dead,
one thought in my head.
What if I was not here?
Not one whisper in my ear?
Not one word said in memory,
not one person sad or in a reverie,
Dreaming about my return.
That thought makes my stomach churn.
Not exaggerating or putting on an act- just sensing a pact.
That God put on the universe to make me unhappy,
penetrating the inner-most depths of my soul,
ripping to shreds what makes me whole.
Like an animal carcass killed by a preditor,
vultures surround me shouting at me or,
completely blanking me as if i were not there.
Sometimes I feel like a failure or freak,
looking for some eden where peace I do seek,
Escape in some tranquil world of my own,
where no one can judge me or shatter my dreams,
where nothing is better than what it seems.
Walk around freely with not a care or a worry,
no need to get stressed or be in a hurry.
No one to shout at you because you are not good.
No one saying Be perfect or think that I should.