I bled again. It was 2 years ago that this all happened, but i bled again. They won't heal. 2 years, and still bleeding. Maybe I'm the cause of it. Maybe i'm still a cutter and I don't even no it.
I can't help but to ich them. I've lost the sensation of an ich. I jsut interperate a bump on the skin as something that needs to be scratched. I'm sure not as bad as a i used to be. But i bled again. It wasn't a scratch anymore.
I thought i just picked off a scab. But when i walked in my bedroom it bled through my pants. I stared at my thigh where a spot of crimson there lay. How familiar, how odd.
That hadn't happened in forever and i put my hand on the edge of the bed and bent over in discust. I didn't mean to i thought. I didn't want ot i thought. I can't help it i thought. This isn't who i am anymore. What if if my mom sees i thought. She'll question me again. She'll think I'm doing it again. My sheets will start getting stained again. And she'll take the razors away again. And everything will just be blank again.
A room of no color for a year. and A world of darkness at the very exact time. Oh but how would you escape but with a knife.
How did humans start making such deadly weapons. For so long it was just an easy access to suicide for me. A bottle of pills. A long long rope. A pair of scissors anyway to croack. A gun, some drugs, 10 bottles of wine anything to get me out of lifes crime.
Red, crimson, Blood. Red, crimson, Rose. Red Crimson Heart. Red Crimson Walls. Red Crimson Hair. Red Crimson fingure nails or neclace or shoes. I don't care. I see my leg, trickling with blood. I see the knives and sharp lids and razor blades covered in hell's colors on the counter. I see red bathtubs and dead bodies.
Red is but a color that we see before hell's gates. That we see before we shut our eyes. Not a sun. Not a rainbow. But mortality trickiling down my thigh.
~this isn\'t like things i write now, and started just as a jounral entry. If you know me, don\'t take it so literally. If you know me, you also know this isn\'t my view on things. I\'m an optimistic person. But everyone... You get\'s sad~
