Depression undersanding and pain

As I lay here awake in the night in my bed restless I stop and think why do I choose to hurt myself and others and always see the world as a dark gloomy sinister place well I found my answer because it is and soon even the joyfullest of people will come to see that and turn just like me hating the world and hating myself and all life for it has no meaning no purpose sure you live a while but is that all you live then die whats the point if your just going to die anyway why not just stay dead asleep i eternal slumber always in death instead of going through a sad,lonely,miserable,depressing,painfully death all to be resurrected as another all just to die once again theres just no meaning to it you live you die you live you die its nothing but a repeating cycle of lives and deaths of the one same person for all of eternity luckily i understand that he only thing you can do is not care i never have never will and look how i turned out a depressed and proud goth,emo,tomboy and I'm not changing