On these days I am reminded of all those awkward times of the past.
My thoughts I have I try to forget, except those of my secret love.
I pray frequently, that one day I will be in her heart.
I often fantasize about the two of us, and I get swept into my dreams.
As we face one another, I would gently hold her hands in mine.
I'd look into her eyes feeling her souls warm embrace.
I would tell her, again, how much I love her and what she means to me.
Leaning toward her I whisper into her ear, I love you ...more than anything.
The few times I did tell anyone I loved them, they had no real feeling behind them.
This time it's completely different.
I never thought it would feel this wonderful.
I am starting to understand God's plan of unconditionally loving.
As much it excites me, it also frightens me of how powerful this love is.
A couple tears of joy surfaced, and I smiled briefly.
This all feels so real, so wonderful.
So real.
Reality always forces itself suddenly, and unwanted.
It feels like it throws me into a tub with ice water in it.
Shockingly cold, I lose my breath.
Defenseless, I am held under.
The water is so cold it burns my skin.
As hard as I fight it, I can never climb out of this gray, lifeless reality of mine.
Nothing will change for the better.
Drawing blood again, punishing myself for being so stupid.
I don't deserve a woman like her.
My face will forever be stained by the tears of my misery.
This is all too real, and cruel.
Much too real.
