My inner release

Will I ever be enough?

Will I ever make you proud?

Will I ever do it right?

I'm sorry but I have to rant and get this out.
I am so sick and tired of feeling insignificant.
Feeling hopeless.
Worthless.
Pointless.

Every time I try to make a point, you make it a point to show me how ignorant I am. I try to be happy so you don't have to see my true colors, but it is so hard to pretend to be something you aren't.

My whole life I have been told to just be myself. But when I am myself, I get turned away and ignored.

I'm so tired of seeing those who I love have to deal with my stupidity and selfishness. I know it upsets you when I say the wrong thing but I'm sorry.... I just can't help it.

But you make me feel like everything I do or say is wrong. I try to be funny but I always say something that offends. I try to be happy but every time I try to smile I remember that I shouldn't.

I want to be known for who I really am!
I want to be known as Summer.
I want to be myself for once.

You see, depression doesn't just make you cry all the time.
It hurts.
Everywhere.
It hurts your spirit.
Your body.
Your mind.
Your soul.
It is so painful it is impossible to describe the overwhelming feeling.
It haunts you day and night.

And the worst part is that when it hurts, you have to hide it.

Depression is something you can't see. It is something that will never be understood unless it is experienced.

The only way to see it is to see the scars.

But the scars on my wrists are not what hurt the most... it's the scars in my mind.

It's the flashbacks of the past.

Seeing myself in the mirror with blood dripping down my face.
Looking down and watching my leg bleed silence.
Stuck in the corner unable to breathe.
Laying on the floor while a hand brushes my body leaving behind a trail of bruises and blood.
Holding my head as I try to stay standing while my brain is throbbing and my lungs can't seem to swell.

Sometimes I just wish I could be enough.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
Why do I displease so often?

I want to be free to be me.
To express my true personality.

Please tell me..
Will I ever be enough?

Will I ever make you proud?

Will I ever do it right?