One.

The time is getting closer
To when it all began
Its getting harder to hide it
So I don't know if I still can

It has been one year now
And this just cuts me deep
Over this I've lost
Too many hours of sleep

Everyday I come to school
With a smile upon my face
But just because its there
Doesn't mean its rightfully in its place

I am rather good at faking
Half the time you couldn't tell
Its only when its too much
You will see my life is a living hell

I am very emotional
I am so far from okay
But I know for a while
It shall continue to be this way

These feelings come back in which
Are forbidden for me to feel
Nevertheless part of me wants
My thoughts to be in fact real

I am disappointed in myself
You could guess as to why
I wish with every part of me that it was then
Each and everyday that goes by

I read her emails, her texts
Remember my ,oh so bad, past
Smile, have a cry and think
Gahh! I wish that could have ever last

But the weird thing is
I read her text messages too
And then again I remember
The first time she said _I love you_

Back then I was shocked
I didn't think I felt the same
I didn't give us a real chance
That has caused me ever lasting pain

Maybe it still kills me inside
To know if I had of let it, it could've been great
It wouldn't have lasted forever
But maybe toward myself I wouldn't feel so much hate

It confuses me as to why I love her
More than I have before
But I don't know who she is
And that confuses me even more

I remember the oh so often line in my poems. . .
~I love you more than words can say
I think about you everyday~

I think of how I feel for her
I guess that I still do
So I guess the promise I swore to her
Is in fact forever true

Ive made a lot of mistakes
But that kiss is at the top
She kissed me first I knew it was wrong, yet I continued
I just couldn't stop

As for so long
I wished to share that kiss
Little did I know
What a great chance I was to miss

The chance to move on
To be happy once again
Didn't think it was possible
To have her but the other only as a friend

But she was the one who encouraged it
She said _go for it, don't worry about me,
Yes I still love you but I cant give you what you want
And I want you to be happy_

In the end I guess she was right
But I didn't see it then
So in result of that kiss
I ended up with two just friends

That was fine
But I wanted more
I felt so bad
I felt like a w****

That indeed
Was the biggest and worst mistake Ive made
But feeling how Ive felt up till now
I think is a fair price Ive paid

When I see or talk to her
I cant even look her in the eye
Because when I do the thoughts come back
And all I want to do is cry

Then I look at her
And all I can do is stare
Just like the first time she came to visit me
The time when with everything she cared

I look into her eyes
Which once were beautiful and blue
Now the message read across them is
Mess with me and ill beat the s*** outta you!!!

Thats not the person I knew
And I know that people change
But I don't see how in just one year
Someones personality can be so dramatically rearranged

Call me blind or stuck in the past
I don't care what you say
I still see the girl in her
Who said shed tell me she loved me each and everyday

Once again I love her more than life itself
I can feel it in my soul
But the place where her face should be
Is replaced by a great big hole

Everyone says my past is bad
Whats there is there to stay
But why cant it be in the present and future?
Why cant I feel that happiness today?

That time has now arrived
And not a day goes by
That I wish that one year ago now
I had of died

Everything I see or do
Reminds me of her
Then and there
Is when those old memories stir

Its hard to think that one year ago now
I was holding her hand
She told me she loved me for the first time
We were writing each others names in the sand

Then I met her for the first time
We connected then and there
The bond created that day
Was one that would never tear

That was all then
And now it is today
I guess its time to face my reality
That my life will never go back to that way

My love for her is in the past
Is what I say before I turn off the light
But the worst lies we tell
Are the ones we whisper before we say good night. . .