A Conflict Within

One day I got a letter
from someone I thought was lost,
but reading his words couldn't heal
the price of getting it cost.

Each sentence caused a wound
that tore me open wide,
my friends looked at me with pity
I smiled at them and lied.

I swore that I was fine
that I really didn't care,
but inside I was screaming
the pain was exposed and bare.

I lived a double life
it helped to dull the pain,
outside I was placid
inside I was insane.

For a while it worked out well
I managed to fool them all,
then it became too much
the beginning of my fall.

I know that I should hate him
after everything he's done,
he destroyed who I was
suicide's gun...

My heart wants to forgive him
though I really don't know why,
yet I know it's impossible
in the end I always cry.

The conflict of love and hate
grows stronger everyday,
I would die for what I can't have
to God I quickly pray.

"Take that little girl away,
take me back in time,
stop him from breaking me,
give me back what's mine."

But then I open my eyes
every thing's the same,
He didn't answer my prayer
the hurt feels so untame.

Yesterday I heard his voice
this morning I saw his face,
it wasn't him but a stranger
who for a moment took his place.

My mind often likes to play tricks
that help the pain to ease,
I see his face and hear his laugh
and the way he used to tease.

But in the end it was a dream
none of it was real,
my broken world comes flooding back
I wonder when I'll heal?

I never want to see him again
though one day I know I will,
it'll break my heart but close my past
with tears my eyes will fill.

There are things I need to say to him
to get them off my chest,
only then will I live again
only then my heart can rest.

~Monstergrrl