Lying myself numb

My smile is turning down,
Though I laugh inside,
I feel confused,
With so much to hide,
And lying like this,
Though it makes me sick,
Keeps me feeling alive,
And my blood running thick.
Because Im becoming numb,
Though Im feeling pain,
I'm so much more in tune,
Of what's being slain.
And by doing this,
I can't really feel,
Everything I wanted,
Was a lie, it's not real.
Perfect disaster,
Of my heart and sins,
Perfect reaction,
And mix from within.
And now Im feeling numb,
From my lies and the pain,
And I find myself crying,
walking lost in the rain.
And when Im feeling this,
All I want to do,
Is to bleed myself dry,
And lay in the grass and the dew.
Watch the sun come up,
In a massacre of colour,
And lie all the pain away,
But I wake up in the gutter.
I don't feel the cold,
The pain or the fear,
I have nothing left now,
And the time is coming near.
Because I feeling numb,
And I'm terribly confused,
I look up at the stars,
And feel my hearts bruised.
Why am I feeling this?
How do I feel pain?
What the point in being numb?
My conscience is now slain.
And by doing this,
It's the end of me,
All my lies and friendships,
I've lied my way free.