As I wonder why

As I sit and wonder why
that I
can't get ahead in life's little game
I can not see past the fury, yet I'm blinded by the pain
My life is a disaster, so to speak
I pray for the Lord is strong and I am weak
My mind is confused, my body is sore
I don't want to do this anymore
I am tired of crying in the rain
trying to wash away the shame
I'm sick of yelling in the wind
desperately trying to kill the demons within
In my mind i see the past
A place faces and images never last
pretending I am going down the highway of life
searching for my pocket knife
when I begin to choke
fixated by all the smoke
I know its not the right way to think or even to be
but a chained spirit can not be free
I sit quietly in the dark
nursing a broken heart
and mending a tattered soul
so dark and dead, It is a place even angels fear to go
Tainted moonlight shine though windows bare
no one was there
to hold me as I would cry
praying to the heavens to just let me die
I have kept everything bottled up inside
I am terrified
of the future and what it will bring
My life hangs in the balance of everything
Anger has consumed me
hate has doomed me
yet instead of being consoled
I am here being controlled
My sense of loss is the greatest of all
leading me though the lies and all
everything that once mattered
has shattered
like a crystal vase
alone and out of place
I paste on a fake smile
Hitchhike another lonely mile
trying hard to clear my head
I'd be better off dead
Knowing once happy laughter has faded away
leaving me with nothing to say
living with a life destine to be
anything but true and free