Did You Ever Even Exist?

It took me an eternity with no paper to rid me of my passions,
And yet I still burn with them- like a never ending fashion.
Hypocrisy floats so heavily in the air I could slice it with a knife,
And I'm just telling myself another door is opening somewhere while you walk out of my life.
It's a cruel memory that taunts me, just a voice still ringing in my head,
Your smile and eyes that flow through my mind with such painful dread.
Behind the door that is now forever locked and sealed,
Are a million laughs and smiles and tears that I can still vividly feel.
There was so much hope coursing through the river-like halls that one fateful day,
But now it's all gone- it's all over, just like that we have all gone away.
I still remember the rain that thundered from the Heavens as I beamed with delight,
And the weather today reminded me of those smiles; oh I will never forget that night.
My self esteem that soared while I realized I was making new friends- and fast,
But soon most of them will be gone- and gone for good- while I desperately cling to the past.
These last few days I've been clawing for my pencil, to help me relieve this pain,
While I'm lost in the future and I can't bring myself to live in today.
I need a strong dose of apathy to keep my eyes securely dry,
Because we all know that I'm a hectic mess when it comes time to say goodbye.
So let me swallow some pills and get some sleep so I won't fall apart while I'm awake.
How can something that made me so confident have become such a huge mistake?