I can't blame you

I smile so discreetly at you.
I'm just hoping you'd see how much i want you back.
the old you, the one i know i can depend on.
i miss having the feeling of being elite. not superior over others.
just the feeling of knowing that we're together and that i know I'd do anything and everything i can to keep you by my side.
you don't wave or smile.
you just look at me like I'm someone you barely know.
what the matter with me, i ask myself.
you walk ahead then out she comes.
you laugh and joke with her.
you smile so wide and so genuinely happy, it makes my heart flip.
i bite my lip, unable to push away the jealousy.
not the angry hatred, just the sad kind. where you know anything you do is useless and that you can't win him back no matter what.
i don't storm off, but just watch you from afar, wishing hoping and praying i could have you back.
right then i wish i was her, and she was me.
i wish i could see how the simple gesture of her putting her hand on yours is breaking me to pieces.
i wish she knew how screwed up she made me just in less than a week.
i just wanted her to walk in my shoes . for a second, moment, day.
doesn't matter. just wanted her to know what shit i have to keep inside.
you walk on without so much as a glance. and tears spring up so easily.
the final bell goes off.
i hope you remembered to wait for me today. just like you always did.
yeah, you're there. and hey, maybe you remembered I'm your girlfriend.
your kiss wasn't a happy one. you just pulled away and looked at the people going by.
you play with your mobile.
the one with you and her as the background picture.
i try to say something, to get the conversation flowing.
you laugh weakly and let out a grunt.
i guess you just had a tiring day.
never mind that I'm failing all my subjects.
never mind that I'm too occupied with thoughts of you leaving me to care about myself.
i just don't notice things...or me anymore.
you're the only thing that matters.
i don't want to say goodbye.
I'm just afraid it will be the final goodbye.
the thing about you is you can swallow me and spit me out but i know I'd still be there waiting for you.
just you.and only you.
so you said goodbye instead.
now I'm home and Ive cried my eyes to the point that they cant be opened.
i don't blame you.
how can i?

i love you.