It's a very well written poem.
But you can ceritainly do a lot more
To make it better.
It has a lot of potential in it.
Maybe you can do more of it?
Make it better, y'know?
It just maybe me
But to me, at least,
It flows better when you don't use
As much pronouns.
For example:
I cough so hard, I stop breathing
You can turn that into
Coughing hard, I stop breathing.

Hey, Thank you for your comments.
Now about htis poiem, i liked it but it was to short. Something missing... it needs more to it. And may i ask what the "I" at the end is for? is this poem unfinished or soemthing? I htink this poem could be improved... i liked the rhyming of it. It doesnt seem forced at any stage. Like i said... it needs something more... Now a bad read but could be imoproved. Keep writing though. xx

It was good, but not as strong as it should be. I say the shorter your poems are, the stronger they should be. I shall give it a 5/5!

-Liz-
~muahs to all~

I LIKE AND UNDERSTOOD IT 5/5 CY

I dont get the i at the end....but good poem none the less

Its perfect just the way it is