There is an issue with the flow here but to be honest that can be easily resolved and what is more important is the message you are trying to convey!

Which was excellent btw!

It feels like the thoughts have come out of your head and straight onto the page in such a way that has actually made the flow issue be used to your advantage!

It has a some how erratic feel to it that makes the poem and subject matter all the more effective!

Well Done

This was quite a piece

Sondos

(:

I think you should step away from rhyming. It's not doing any good for your poems. It was a good poem, there's no doubt about it. Try expanding your choice in words next time, and go all-out with description and feeling. Your hand and a pen and paper, with all that. Would make a great poem!

Great poem keep it up 5/5