My Secret Of Pain

Constantly ashamed of my life and haunted nightly with dreams about it.
Why did I have to be born?
All of this suffering could have been avoided.
Now I have to go on much longer than I wished too.
When I think of how I hate, I grieve.
When I think of how I grieve, I anger.
I cut to punish myself, I cut to hurt myself.
If only I could only hide my scars that sustain me.
When they are seen, most people are shocked to see this condition.
Probably just imaging what type of freakish life I lead.
With my secret inner pain in full view for all to see.
I have only had one passion throughout my life.
It's my strong hatred of myself, of my many failures.
They tell me not to dwell on the could've, should've, and might have beens.
But when you have chosen wrong each chance you've been given.
It's very hard not to think of what might have been.
Suicidal thoughts tend to excite me briefly as I look at my options.
I snuff them out quickly so not to get swept up in the idea.
Then I think of how far I have come in treatment.
I can't just throw away my many years of intense therapy.
Besides it's not a choice I believe I have.
I believe I will be damned with this misery for eternity.
Life after life, no matter how long it may take.
Unless one life I can manage the suffering throughout the whole of my life.
This may be the best chance I'll ever know to be able to complete my life.
My next life may have more difficulties to deal with than this one.
Until I do, that's when I will finally know what peace is.
No anger, no resentment, no sorrow, no doubts, just peace.