Comments : Needle in the Hay

  • 16 years ago

    by The Queen

    One day you were gone
    You didn't say where
    This is all so wrong
    It's like you don't care
    ^^ I think it would look good if youll use some punctuation marks here like comma and period. Plus the second line, I think it would be nice if youll revise it a bit like AND NOWHERE TO FIND.

    You were supposed to be there
    You never showed up
    It's always a scare
    Haven't I had enough?
    ^^ You could have used stronger words to emphasize the emotions you were trying to portray.

    It has happened before
    Our time you always spend
    I can't do this anymore
    Won't you just let it end?
    ^^You always run after time, I think is best in place of Our Time You Always Spend.

    Are you near? Are you far?
    Why did it happen this way?
    To just find out where you are
    Is like a needle in the hay.
    ^^ These are the lines that I dun think you need not to revise. Punctuations were present, question marks and period added some intensity to your poem.

    This is your poem and most probably from your heart, i have no right in any way to downgrade this, so ill give you 5/5.Take care.