Comments : Lover's Town

  • 17 years ago

    by TamborineMan

    I liked your poem. Very simplistic and yet enjoyable to read. The flow of the poem seems a bit lacking at times and some lines are disruptive either from wordiness or grammar.

    line1. flow: consider adding 'that' after place... reads better for me when I do that

    line4. wording: replace 'of' with 'for'

    line7. flow: "here in this" is repetitive. Take out 'here'

    line10. flow: present participle 'bringing' seems awkward. Most likely because it's followed by beaming. Consider revising

    line14. flow/wording: replace "there's" with "with"

    line15. flow: 'here in this' - same thing, makes line disruptive

    line18. ****wording: I really like this line, but I think it would be 100x better if you reworded it: instead of "soul mates" "their soul's mate has been found"

    Once again, I it's a nice read. I think you could stand to add another stanza or two to flesh out the emotions more fully and to draw the reader in better. Still, good work.