The first thing she hears is the
radio. some shit like good
charlotte or something is
playing. she shakes her head,
wondering what music
has become.she lays in
bed wishing that this day
had never started. actually
she wishes this thing she
calls her life never started.
but what can you do.she
stands up and turns off
her alarm clock. she
quietly opens her door and
steps into the bathroom.
she gets on the scale
and looks in the mirror.
she wishes she was thinner.
she wishes she was
happier. sometimes she
wishes her life were perfect.
she kneels down in front
of the toilet and grabs
her blue AADAC toothbrush
off the counter. see, she used
to dread this blue monster,
but now it brings her some
sort of relief, if thats
what you want to call
it.she sticks it down
her throat and she throws
up instantly. her body
seems used to the routine.
shes not surprised, after
all shes been doing it for
months now. she
rinses out her mouth with
Listerine. doubting its
making her teeth any
whiter. she glances at the
clock. good, shes on time.
she puts an old coat
on over her pajamas and
walks outside. she goes
into the backyard, on the
side of the house. she pulls
out a lighter and sticks
a smoke between her
lips and sucks in while
the flame lights the cancer
stick. the smoke fills her
body and makes her head
light. her fingers are numb
from the cold and her
shorts dont make her
much warmer. this may
not sound appealing to you,
but for her its perfect.after
all, who doesnt want a smoke
at 4:00 in the morning?
she tips the ashes onto her
leg by accident and
brushes them off, revealing
her pale leg. it is filled
with scars and fresh cuts.
she softly puts her hand over
them , remembering how
nice it felt when the blood
oozed out of her deeper cuts.
she steps on the remains
of her smoke and sprays some
perfume. she pulls
at the door that she left open
and walks silently into the
house and up the stairs.
she opens her window a touch
and crawls back into bed.
trying to sleep but she cant.
she listened to her iPod until
5:45. then she gets up
again and heads into the
shower. after she finishes
straightening her hair she
pulls on her shoes and jumps
into her brothers waiting car.
dont want to be late for
seminary. once she gets there
she plasters in her happy face
and nobody knows the
difference. she longs
to reach out to
someone but doesnt.she
doenst want them to
worry. she doesnt know
if she even wants any
help. she just wants
escape.
who is she to think that
she knows who she is
anyways. how could a
girl lost in so much
sadness even have the
time to figure out who
she is. she goes to school
laughing. yeah she fakes
a smile whenever she sees
a familiar face. on the
outside shes perfectly
fine.
but nobody looks
on the inside. where shes
dying.
