Life

I always wondered if life could be horrible. Everyone says its phases, but the thing is phases don't last this long. I'm sick of being the person that people only turn to when they want something. I'm never asked to go somewhere because its me they want to go with; I'm always asked to go so they can get their parents to say yes. I'm the good kid, nothing bad will happen if I go. Than when we get there I'm ditched and left alone.

Its always like this no matter what. It almost seems like people forget I exist. I don't have a real social life and sometimes I feel like I don't have any real friends. Its a horrible experience. Everywhere I am I feel left out. Its become a daily occurrence to stay shut away in my room. I feel like the only high schooler without a life. Everyone talks about there great weekends and I'm the one everyone forgot about.

Is there even a reason anymore?? Why do I try so hard, maybe I should give up on other people. I should stay shut up and by myself where I won't get hurt. Its true when they say that high schoolers and teenagers in general are cruel. They may or may not realize what they are doing but its harming me in ways that I don't show. I'm getting tired, I want this pain to end. Maybe someday it will and I can finally move on.

There are only a few here who may possible understand what I'm going through and thats only because they have been in the same position as I have. Its not fun and it takes a lot to get out of it.

I sometimes wonder when I will find that special someone. No one ever cares about me that way. Maybe you have to actually have sex with a guy to get everyones attention. Do you need to throw yourself out there for people to see you arn't scared?? What if I am?? I can't be that way, asking me to change is not going to work. I'm sick of people trying to change me. No one understands me. They can't even begin to comprehend what is going on in my mind. They may not see it, but I feel like I'm dieing on the inside.

People will try to cheer me up. Some may be genuine about it, but others I doubt are. Its either they need me there to be able to do something or that they just don't want that on their conscience. I feel like giving up.

I'm running out of ideas to hide this pain. People are starting to see through it. I'm so tired. I try to be strong so that I'm not looked down upon for being weak. But am I really weak for trying to act strong?? I just don't know anymore.

You think I'm so tough, but...I just never let you see me cry.