Its a facade?

Today... again a Thursday... the truth of what i feel hit me...its knocked me off my feet.

its hard to believe that I'm finding it hard to walk around happy for you, doing anything for you but never going to be anything more than your friend.

i know that you have chemistry with her and that I'm not enough for you i never was...and thats not what hurts the most i can forgive you for not loving me in the way i loved you

it feels like you helped me up only to make me fall again. no matter what you say...no matter how much your truth hurts me i cant forget any of what happened with you.. i can't stand feeling the broken heart anymore but i can't bare to lose you either.

the memories aren't fading and i cling to them but they hurt because your with another of my friends, and i wonder whether you want me to hurt. seeing you both together and happy makes me desire to walk away but for both of you i stay. deep down i really hurt i cant deny that i don't care anymore because i do and its the reason i go quiet. neither do i want to be in the way or to say something wrong.

its always friends first you above me...but you still hold my heart and tell me a painful truth that makes me wish i was never this way. that i was all that you had ever wanted. i always care...past...present and future. i will be there when everything is lost.

if there is ever a time you needed a friend i would sacrifice for you, because i will always love you as you never can love me. i admit it does hurt but you want me to smile and be happy so everyday i try to. forgive the days where I'm quiet and distant for i am reminiscing and being reminded of times of you being with me...the hugs...kisses...and the warmth and happiness only you were able to give me.

to love you more than a friend yet be destined to do whatever i have to just to stay friends...take your criticisms of me and my life...listen to you be angered at me... take you places...be around you and her when you hug and kiss. i will hide the pain and the tears. and when you ask am i OK i will always try to convince you that i am. if you disbelieve i will smile and say i am perfectly fine you need not worry.

yes its a facade, but you shall not know. nor do i want you to know. i fear that you would criticize me once again and cause me more pain than i want. yes getting hugs from you does still make me happy but it also reminds me of the history of what once was that shall never be again as much as i wish it. this facade is the start of my changing to be what you wish me to be...