Everyone looks up to me... well who do I have to look up to,
I'm the one that they think of when they just wanna disappear,
they think of how strong I am... they think I have no fear,
daily I continue to break down,
but they'll never know how sometimes I wanna just drown,
they have no idea how hard it is to have everyone look up to you,
and watch your every move,
and you yourself have no shoulder to lean on,
when you make a mistake they think, wow if she's like that then I should be gone,
tell me... how am I supposed to deal,
when I myself make them never want to feel,
I can't tell them when somethings wrong,
they'll think that I'm way too weak and could never be that strong,
now as I sit here writing this down... they hear my pen scratch the paper... my hand slides silently across,
what am I supposed to do now...they thought of me as their boss,
I had told them I threw it away... I'm never gonna do it again,
because all it does is hurt my friends,
now they know that I lied,
I just wanna run somewhere and hide,
I need someone to fall back on...but there's no one there,
I know that they look up to me because they care,
but I wish that for one day that they could be in my place... make the decisions that I do,
then they'll really know what it's like to be blue,
I'm supposed to be happy and bliss,
but I want my old life back... it's what I really miss,
there was never any drama, break-ups, or lies,
no worries about any guys,
can't it go back to the way it used to be,
when they were them and I was just me,
now as I sit here writing, I'm at a loss of words,
I wanna fly away for a little while... just like a flock of birds,
someone please help me in these bad moments in time,
I don't know if I can truly ever say I'm fine,
just give me someone to look up to,
that way I can stop doing the bad things I do,
for I told her I would stop cutting... but once again I lied,
I wanna be able to hide behind someone else's eyes,
I wanted to give them a reason and just explain,
but now I must hide behind my own eyes in shame,
I can see the pain in their face,
the horrible pain that I put there and can never erase,
I told them that no matter what they could always count on me to be there,
but now I feel so ashamed and scared,
I wanna say take me now... life isn't fair,
just scream it out into the cold night air,
I'm ready to give up... why do they have to look up to me,
I think they need to find another somebody,
they tell me that I'm the only reason they don't do it too,
I'm gonna someday say, shut up and go find someone new,
but I also know a way to make this all end,
and for themselves they can fend,
I get up, walk across the room... unzip the pillow and get out the razor blade... I press it hard against my wrist and pull... the blood is starting to stream out,
I can hear them shout,
and with my last gasping breath,
I told them to never let something bad be a reason for death.
