Lil advice ;
"Breathe me like you've nothing,
[Nothing] else to breathe in
You're going to die anyways
I'll just help death begin"

Helps the flow, imo.

Other than that I liked it.
A little forced at times but still good.
I liked the idea and you played it out well.

Good work =]

This was really intresting, I loved the flow almost musical, and the word choice was excellent, i can' understand why such a low rating, Anyways the emtion is strong and the message is clear great job 5/5