I Didn't Believe You

Ouch..! so sad. The moment he told you bout his felling you didn't believe him then the moment you about to was so painful to absorbed.

â--â--‹â--â--‹â--
everything i ever wanted and needed was right in front of me
i tried
but when you told me you couldn't be with me because im so closed off
i cried because out of all the stuff you told me i on believed you about that one thing.

"Critic here"
The use of "i" should be capitalised "I" ...Coz "I" is so powerful word/letter and before I forget , put period in every end coz readers would left waiting for the next thing you about to say..

but all in all this is a heartfelt piece I get you and the message you want to say.

☆☆☆☆

Erica, this has lots of emotion seeing through and I feel its was so raw for you (when you wrote this.) many people can relate to not believing the good in someone because of past relationships, me included.

Now, I know why you used the title "I didn't believe you but it seems to take the flow away from the whole piece so here is my suggestion and remember its only that:

I didn't believe you when you told me:
you love me
you would always be here for me
you would do anything for me
you would never leave me
you would never decieve (<DECEIVE) me
i need to open my eyes cause everything i ever wanted and needed was right in front of me

<i tried>
but when you told me you couldn't be with me because im so closed off
^^
Instead of closed off here, I would use the word 'withdrawn'
i cried because out of all the stuff you told
me i on believed you about that one thing
^^
I feel it would flow better without the word 'on'

All the best and remember these are only suggestions.

Em

The end, is where the truth is known. He, who brings you pain, helps you learn.

~♥~This is really great! I can totally relate! Keep it up! Try to check out some of my work!~♥~